Give my love to the waves

Almost a decade ago, a small group of us established a local Arts Night where we’d share songs, poetry, and philosophize on the proverbial life, the universe, and everything..and eat too many biscuits and drink too much late-night caffeine. There were a lot of laughs and some serious sing-writing. We put on a few public performances in various places, members of the club came and went, but the Arts Night was also the birth place of my group C5 the band. Without those Arts Night, there would be no Clive-upon-Sea in the shape and form we know him today either.

I think the first Arts Night was April 2012 with a Simon, two Adrians, and a Dave, but by September of the next year, these old stalwarts had put together quite a few songs and been joined by various others – Andrea, Steph, Matt, Ray, Rog, Jo, Rich, another Jo, another Rog.

One of those songs was my land-locked lament to the sea…I believe this is the original electric demo recording I did for Arts Night that month, I’ve just put it on Soundcloud. The song developed lyrically and musically over the following weeks and I played it live several times solo and once or twice with an early incarnation of C5 in ensuing years. We even jammed a heavy rock version at one rehearsal at the suggestion of drummer Adam.

There are versions online where I dueted with our DJ daughter Beth and another with the Yorkshire Kate Bush, Emmazen

Give my love to the waves

Give my love to the waves
Send me home, on a wind that saves
If I ride the sea, or sail away
Will you carry me back, home again?

Give my time, to the pain
If I miss you, would you sail with me again?
Give my love, to the water
Then I can find my way back to where I ought to be

You will know me
Call me by name
Know how much I fear
It’s always the same

I’m floating in the wake of trouble.
I wish you wary on your way
Send my love to the waves,
get me out of this trouble,
or sail me to Hell all the way

Give my love, to the waves
Send me home, on a wind that saves

Floating in the wake of trouble
I wish you wary on your way
I wish you on the waves out of trouble
Don’t sail me to Hell, at least not today

Words and Music by David Bradley
Electric guitar and vocals dB/

There is no beatboxing nor drum nor bass in this version.

Pondlife update – We are with spawn

UPDATE: Even more spawn as of 9th March 2021

As long-time Sciencebase readers will know, I resurrected our garden pond in May 2019 (you can read about Operation Sciencebase Pond here). It was too late for the amphibian mating season that year, but, frogs did appear later that summer. in fact, we usually had at least one frog in the garden even when we didn’t have the pond. In 2020, one summer’s evening I counted nine frogs on the rocky border, which was gratifying and a big part of the whole point of redigging our old pond.

Early this year, Mrs Sciencebase spotted a Grey Heron in the garden, twice, preying on frogs from the pond. But, thankfully, there are still several in there and I’ve observed mating behaviour on a couple of evenings recently. There was activity last night and we are now with spawn. It will be a month or so before tadpoles hatch (hopefully). You just know I will keep you posted. #PondLife #PondWatch

If you have frogspawn in your own pond, please consider adding a reference to this spreadsheet, the data is mapped to show where frogspawn is present across the UK by PondDip and how it emerges over the spawning season.

Sonnet 1 by Bradley Davespeare

We’ve been tasked this week by our maestro Tim Lihoreau to come up with a sonnet for the Tyrannochorus weekly ZoomChoir. I don’t think I’ve written this type of poem since English lessons at school. It felt like too much of a challenge but I read a couple from The Bard and I think I’ve got their measure (yeah, right!).

So my first public sonnet laments the lack of live music any of us can rehearse or perform right now and also, perhaps, the notion of problems one might experience with one’s sense of hearing having been involved with relatively loud live music for years and years…

Anyway, it’s entitled “The strings I’ve strummed are wearing thin”. I hope I’ve not got my iambic pentameters mixed up with my alembic pentagons

“The strings I’ve strummed are wearing thin”

The strings I’ve strummed are wearing thin
The words I’ve sung feel like they’ve failed
The notes and chords that once echoed from within
Against an empty bar room wall now descaled
The practice of arpeggiated riffs somehow betrayed
Faced with silence in the midst of night
Reverberates no more against clefs unplayed
A wall of sound now noise so white
And yet in music, there may still lie some peace
Though sound is lost this passion still brings heat
The melody inside that catches quick won’t cease
Despite the ritardando slowing of the beat
A solo flight must glide on to take a bow
If harmony in chorus remains but a memory for now

Learning a new photographic lesson

Sometimes you have to step back from how you normally do something to find a way to do that thing better. For a year or more, I’ve tended to set my camera shutterspeed to about 1/1000th of a second for bird photography. It’s a lower limit on capturing the rapid wing movements of small birds flitting from tree to tree and on and off the feeders. It works quite well, but the lens aperture then has to be as large as possible to compensate for the short length of time the sensor is exposed to light. Even then, if it’s not a bright day or I’m in woodland, the photo will not expose well and I have to bump up the ISO (the sensor sensitivity) to get the shot.

Higher ISO equates to more noise if you’re shooting digital or more grain if you’re shooting on film. Grain can be atmospheric in monochrome stills of grizzled old actors and the like, but for a wildlife shot you really want crisp details and pinsharp eyes, otherwise it fails as a photo.

Enter the Youtube tutorials of wildlife photographer Paul Miguel. He’s got lots of free materials for photographers to explore and I’d watched one or two of them previously. But, then one about photographing small birds kept popping up as suggested viewing whenever I was on Youtube. So, I took a look…well, it couldn’t hurt and I might learn something…

…and so I did, he reiterates all the above about shutterspeed and aperture and ISO and lots more besides.

BUT.

And this is the re-learning bit for me. He points out that if your subject isn’t moving a lot you can use a much longer shutterspeed, which means a much lower ISO and so far less noise even on a dullish day. With a longer shutterspeed, you need a decent tripod with a gimbal or similar to balance and move a big lens smoothly for framing and/or beanbags or cushions to lie it on so that camera shake and thence blur don’t come into the equation on this side of the lens. With the camera on the beanbags, he suggests making the setup even more stable by pressing down firmly with your left hand while being gently poised and ready to depress the shutter with your right.

I set up a perch (a gnarly and grizzled old log in the middle of the lawn, scattered some bird food (mealworms and red millet seed) on it and around it, and tucked myself out of site with the camera on a couple of cushions on a low table.

Aperture was f/6.4, shutterspeed, t, 1/200th second, ISO was nice and low (set by the camera based on f and t at ISO500). I also rolled back the focal length from its maximum 600mm (900mm equiv on a 2/3 crop sensor) to around 400mm (600mm equiv) partly so I could get the whole bird in the frame (I was quite close to the log, about 4 metres away) but also so that the lens wasn’t at its limit (focus is usually a little softer on any zoom lens at maximum focal length. For a smaller bird I might have wanted to be a bit closer to get more of it in the frame, but that would be closer than the lenses minimum focusing distance so a short extension tube would be needed, see Miguel’s discussion on that point too, you lose about 1-stop of light with a 25mm extension on a 400…600mm type lens.

Anyway, an obliging Starling turned up for the feast and I fired off a few shots as it pecked and preened. Some were a bit blurry due to the bird’s movement, but a couple of them were pin sharp and showed off the wonderful iridescence – greens, bronzes, purples – of this species rather well.

Several nice comments came back once I’d shared one of the best of the photos on social media. Someone said it looked like a Faberge egg in avian form, others simply said “awesome”, “beautiful”, but the most flattering of the comments on my Instagram was from another David B who had this to say:

When they write the book on the best way to represent a Starling, they will reference this photo

So, here’s the photo, resized for the website and with my familiar dB/, decibel, logo.

Common Starlings, Sturnus vulgaris, are now actually quite rare in the UK, they’re on the RSPB’s red list. Winter numbers are swelled by visitors from Continental Europe and you may be lucky to see several thousand in murmurating flocks close to dusk. I’ve blogged about murmurations on several occasions here, please check the archives. Biggest of those I’ve seen locally counted at about 14000 birds over the reedbeds at Ouse Fen RSPB. In the summer months many of those flocks dissipate and the resident numbers fall significantly.

Nevertheless, we usually have a dozen or so in our garden coming and going on most days throughout the year and they nest in the spring locally in the gaps in the eaves of our houses, old woodpecker nests in trees, and other hollows. Peak numbers might be 20+ during the summer when the chicks have fledged and they will get through fat balls and birdfood very quickly. It can be quite expensive being a bird lover.

Covid answers

Which is the best vaccine against Covid?

What does “95 percent effective” mean?

Can you still get Covid if you have had the vaccine?

Does the vaccine stop you being infectious if you catch Covid?

Do you need to be vaccinated if you have had the disease?

Do the vaccines developed in 2020 work against the new variants that have emerged?

Answers from the experts this week in Scientific American here.

The frozen circle of Whooper life

The frozen circle of a Whooper’s life

Video by Grant Norman

Words, narration, and incidental music by David Bradley

Each winter, they arrive in their thousands. White, winter visitors flying in from the frozen north. Most will have come from their breeding grounds in Iceland. They navigation the east coast and sight land in North Norfolk. They will keep flying to their usual splashing grounds at Welney. The Whooper Swan.

The vast squadrons roost overnight on the waters, safe from foxes and other landlocked predators. When dawn breaks, they head for the fields. Where they will hoover up the green-top residues of beet and potato harvests. Before returning to their watery roosts each dusk.

In late 2020, the farmland around Welney and the Ouse Washes were floodier and floodier. The Whoopers were compelled to spread their wings and search farther afield. However, by January almost as soon as Fen Bridge Farm had harvested their sugarbeet. Several dozen arrived. The numbers have grown and grown.

Everyone in the village is asking everyone else about the honking and whooping. Is it geese? What are those birds? It’s amazing to see when you catch sight of them from the Lode or Les King Wood. By the end of January, almost 500 were on the flooded field there. Most of the greentops seem to have been purged from the land.They will most likely soon move on…to “pastures” new, although it’s worth noting that some are not even flying to roost these last two or three evenings, preferring to stay on the flooded farm at the edge of Cottenham.

We will have to wait and see whether they return to our Fen Edge Patch next winter. It will all depend on the flooding and the farming. Before the spring arrives though, this year’s birds will depart. Heading back to the frozen north for the next round in the circle of a Whooper’s life.

 

UPDATE: Numbers have been falling over the last few days. There were only four Whoopers on the frozen flood patch at the farm when we walked past today. They bobbed their heads and took flight as we walked past. Be interesting to know whether that’s the end of them on our fen edge patch for this year. It could well be…

A little less nervous about Covid

TL:DR – Concerns about a connection between Guillain-Barre syndrome and COVID-19 infection and/or vaccination, put to rest.


The rare and potentially lethal neurological disorder, Guillain-Barre syndrome, is not triggered by Covid nor by vaccination against Covid, recent research suggests.

There was concern during the early months of the Covid pandemic based on anecdotal evidence that there had been an increase in the incidence of a potentially lethal neurological disorder known as Guillain-Barre syndrome (GBS). In this disease, the body’s own immune system attacks peripheral nerves causing numbness, pain, and paralysis. It can be fatal if not treated promptly.

Pain and numbness often spread upwards from the soles of the feet or the hands but can also begin in the scalp and spread downwards. Damage to the nerves involved in breathing can lead to suffocation.

In December, Stephen Keddie* and colleagues published evidence that shows there is no obvious link between infection with the coronavirus (SARS-CoV-2) that causes Covid. Indeed, their evidence (published in the journal Brain) suggests that GBS incidence has been lower than usual during the pandemic.

Lockdown measures, social distancing, face coverings, and hand-washing have been a common feature of the pandemic for the majority of people in the UK. This, Keddie and his colleagues suggest has also led to a decline in the incidence of gastrointestinal infection, such as Campylobacter jejuni and infection with other respiratory viruses. There is evidence that GBS is sometimes a reaction to infection with C. jejuni where the immune system mistakenly attacks nerve cells instead of the bacterium. Far rarer is the incidence of GBS following vaccination against influenza.

Supplementary work from Keddie and his colleagues has also shown that there is no risk of GBS associated with Covid vaccination.

I think if anything, like the flu vaccine, that risk would be about one in a million, Keddie told Sciencebase. We know the risks of COVID are far higher. I have spent time recently working on neurology wards and visiting the intensive care departments and the risks of not getting the vaccine are very clear to see, he adds.
*Department of Neuromuscular Diseases, University College London and National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery, University College London Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust

Whooper Swans around Cambridge

TL:DR – We had a large influx of Whooper Swans on the outskirts of Cottenham early in 2021. The spectacle has not been repeated since but there are numerous birds of that species farther afield and several Bewick’s Swans sighted.


UPDATE: January 2022 – Several hundred Whoopers arrived on Bullock’s Haste and out on Setchel Fen. I should add that fellow villager Ian Ellis undertook a detailed study of bird species on the flood at Smithy Fen and recorded well over 150 different species. Many of the species he recorded are not commonly seen in these parts.

December 2021 – WWT Welney wardens counting well over 13000 roosting Whoopers on their patch.

Back in November 2020, I noticed quite a lot of swans, Whooper Swans to be precise, pecking and calling on the farmland between the River Great Ouse and the fenland north of our village, Cottenham. Those numbers have gone up substantially in the last week or so. (Update: 2021-01-31 – 500 swans)

Whooper Swan, Cygnus cygnus
Whooper Swan, Cygnus cygnus

One birding friend Ian counted 500+ on a trek along one of the droves to observe them, and he reported back again today that he estimates there are perhaps 800 spread across two or three sites north of our village. Moreover, reports from elsewhere around Cambridge hint at four-figure numbers of the birds on our patch, he says.

Another friend, Chris pointed out that he was being kept awake by honking calls from behind the Tenison Manor Estate, locally referred to as “The Birds” because the street names are bird names. Turns out it’s Whooper Swans (Cygnus cygnus) there too, between the Cottenham Lode, The Cut, and the Les King Wood, perhaps fifty or so. The numbers may swell as the winter moves on.

Whooper Swan on Fen Bridge Farm, Cottenham

If you’ve ever visited WWT Welney* in Norfolk, you may well be familiar with the Whooper Swan. They’re a big white bird, with a black and yellow bill, but they lack the bobble on the bill of the more frequently seen Mute Swan (Cygnus olor). The Whoopers head south from their summer breeding grounds in Iceland to find food and shelter. Welney welcomes thousands of winter visitors, including Whoopers and their relative Bewick’s Swan (Cygnus columbianus bewickii) each winter. Apparently, this season, there is so much flooding and food on farmland, that very few swans are showing at feeding time at Welney. The “w” is silent in whooper by the way, viz whooping cough, so it’s pronounced “hooper”, in case you were wondering. It’s not silent in WWT Welney.

Regardless of which field you spot the Whoopers on, they fly to roost each evening. They head north to open water, the washes, for instance, possibly even Welney itself, Ian tells me.

Teal Titchwell
Male Teal

You might also notice that scientific name, the binomial, of the Whooper – Cygnus cygnus. This is another tautonym, the repetition of the genus in the specific (species) name indicates that the Whoopers are the  “type” of the swan genus, the archetypal swan, just as Buteo buteo, the Common Buzzard, is the archetypal buzzard and Gorilla gorilla gorilla, the Western Lowland Gorilla is the archetypal gorilla.

Common Buzzard

There are lots of flooded fields around us that have also attracted Teal, Gadwall, Pochard, Wigeon, Goosander, Shoveller Ducks, and others, birds that we do not commonly see on the farmland around our village. Other birds to watch out for feeding in the fields and hedgerows – the winter thrushes: Fieldfare and Redwing. You will also see Corn Bunting and Reed Bunting, Yellowhammer, and Meadow Pipit. These are here all year. So too, Linnet, Goldfinch, and Greenfinch which are flocking around the outskirts of the village groups of several dozen depending on where you go for your allowed daily exercise.

yellowhammer 2
Male Yellowhammer

Also to be seen: male and female Stonechat (usually in pairs). You might also see small gatherings of Pied Wagtails around farmland wet patches and on dung heaps. You might even spot the yellow rump of its relative the Grey Wagtail, but you most likely won’t see a Yellow Wagtail just yet, they’re summer visitors. But, do keep your eyes peeled for the European relative of the Pied Wagtail, the White Wagtail, which seems to be turning up more frequently now. At the time of writing, Water Pipit were not on the village list, but birders have seen them since.

stonechat 1
Male Stonechat

Also, given the flooding and the growing number of Glossy Ibis around Cambridgeshire at the moment, it would great news to hear of one on the Fen Edge Patch, do let me know if you see this rather exotic visitor within walking distance.

Glossy Ibis

Make any movie about something mundane by subtly changing one word in the title

I posted  a fairly simple challenge on Facebook at the weekend:

Make a movie mundane by subtly altering one word in the title. I'll start..."Radiators of the Lost Ark"

I expected a few friends to join in with the fun and for it to fizzle out quite quickly…I watched the first few entries dribble in and then went off and did something completely different. When I came back to Facebook a few hours later there were more than 500 comments, it quickly got to 600 and I added a few more of my own. It’s still going on, at the time of writing 745 comments, which is almost viral for one of my posts. I’d estimate that well over 700 of those are MundaneMovies several been parodied several times and handful have been duplicated, but all in lots and lots of originals.

UPDATE: November 2021, it peaked at well over 800 comments.

I especially liked Dial M for Merthyr, Marmite on the Orient Express, Last Mango in Paris, The Beer Hunter, Aye Claudius (and the sequel set in the North East, Why Aye Claudius), Dainty Dancing and Dirty Prancing, The Lady Varnishes, Chinchillas in the Mist (one of mine of which I was the proudest).

I’m already hearing from some contributors checking into rehab and therapy to try and shake off the urge to post yet more…it could go on for months…or at least until the end of lockdown 3…which could, admittedly, be months.

My good friend, jazz pianist extraordinaire and metrics expert, Hugh Tonks founder of Thymometrics, kindly copy and past the titles from the Facebook thread, ditching a few that didn’t fit the challenge criterion at all. So, here’s the list as it stands:

1 Dalmation
101 Damnations
101 Dull matrons
12 Donkeys
12 Slightly annoyed men
12 Years a Dave
1919
1983
2 Leagues under the sea
20,000 Leagues under the bath-water
2001 – A Spam Odyssey
2002 – A Spare Odyssey
24 Minute Party People
A Bag of Chips Now
A bridge really close by
A Chocolate Orange (2x)
A few decent geezers
A few good pens
A fist full of dog ends
A Night at the Oprah
A rebel without a motorbike
Aldi President’s Men
Alice in not very interesting land
Alice in Sunderland
All The President’s Deserters
American Werewolf in Poundland
Angel Hearth
Animal Fart
Apocalypse in the Past
Apocalypse later
Appointment with Darth
Austin Flowers
Aye Claudius
BT
Back to the Freezer
Back to the Furniture
Back to the Futon
Bakery Wars: The Rise of Sourdough
Bald Runner
Bat shit-crazy
Bay Beauty
Beast of Eden
Beer Hunter (6x)
Ben der
Ben Err
Ben Them
Bend Hur
Bend it Like Geller
Biplane
Bladestroller
Borax
Bored of the Rings
Born to be Mild
Bra Wars
Bravefart
Breakwind at Tiffany’s
Bridge on the River Cam
Bridget Jones’s Dairy
Briefs Encounter
Briefs on Counter
Brighton Rack
Broke the Back of the Ironing Mountain
Brokeback Mound
Broom Service
Broom with a View
Brrring me the hearing aid of Alfredo Garcia
Built up area gump
Bunfight at the OK Corral
Bus Station Zebra
Cakes on a plane
Car Wars
Casino Foil
Casino Peasant
Cassadarker
Catch a Cold
Chariots of Water
Charlie and the opium factory
Charlies Angles
Cheesy Rider
Chinchillas in the Mist
Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
Chunderball
Citizen Ken
Clean dancing
Clockwork Orange
Clockwork Orangutan
Close Encounters of the Turd kind (2x)
Clothes Encounters of the Third Kind
Clothes Horse
Codzilla
Coldfinger
Contacts
Covid park
Crease
Crouching Tiger Hidden Cat Poo
Crouching tiger hidden drag queen
Cuckoo flew over the cuckoo’s nest
Cup!
Curry on Camping
Dad’s Armband
Dainty dancing
Dam butters
Dances with feral pigeons
Dances with Wombats
Dancing with Wives
Davey Crocket, King of the Mild Frontier
Daydream on Elm Street
Deaf in Venice
Deaf Poets Society
Dearth of Stalin
Death on the Pile
Death on the Tyne
Debbie does trump
Desperately Seeking Sanity
Devon’s Gate
Dial M for Merthyr
Dial M for Mother
Diamonds aren’t forever
Dick Soup
Die easy
Diet Hard
Dietary Harry.
Dirty Hankie
Dirty prancing
Dirty Rotten Scourers
Dobbie does Dallas
Don Kirk
Donnie lighto
Dove Actually
Dr. Maybe
Dr. Strangelove or: How I learnt to stop worrying and Love the Bum
Draws
Drizzle man
Dusk till midnight
Easy Briber
Edward Thimblehands
Eggs Royale
Elvis in Dagenham
Enema at the gates
Enter with Drag On
Escape to Victory Way
Escargot to Victory
Expensive willy
Exterminator
Fantastic Feasts and Where to Find Them
Fart Club
Fart club
Farto
Fatman
Ferris Buehler’s Day Job
Ferris Buehler’s Day On
Finding Memo
Finocchio
Fleshdance
Florence of Arabia
Flush Gordon
For your Pies Only
Forest Dump
Forest trump
Forest Trump
Forrest Trump
Four Lines
Four Waddings and a Funfair
Four weddings and a bar mitzvah
Friday the 14th
Fried
From Here to Enfield
From Reigate with Love
Froth on the Nile
Game- i want to play forever
Game of Crones
Gentlemen prefer ponds
Goat with the wind
Gold Fillings of 1933
Golden Arm
Gone with the regular bowel movements
Good Mowing Vietnam
Good Wall Hunting
Good Will Haunting
Greasy
Gregory’s Grill
Gregory’s Gull
Grindrella
Groan with the Wind
Ground Dog Day
Groundnut Day
Groundnut Day
Gums
Gunfight at the UK Corral
Gut Carter
Harriet’s on Fire
Harry Patter
Harry Potter and the Giblet of Fire
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prints
Harry Potter and the Odour of the Phoenix
Harry Potter and the Pensioner of Azkaban
Home Loan
Home together
Home with everyone
Home with the Entire Family
How the Breast was Won
How the vest was won
Howard’s Blend
Indiana Jones and the last charades
Inglorious Bustards
It’s a wonderful lift
It’s a wonderful loaf.
Its a terrible life
It’s a Wonderful Knife
It’s a Wonderful Lime
It’s a wonderful lime.
Jeepers 600+
Jive and let die
John Thomas Crown Affair
Jungle magazine
Jurassic Carehome
Jurassic Parp
Jurassic Party
K3
Kind Hearts and Castanets
Kitten Park
La La Lamp
Lady Chatterley’s Liver
Lady in the Pan
Lame – I want to limp forever
Larder on the Orient Express
Last Exit to Boston
Last mango in Paris
Last Tanga in Paris
Lawrence of Suburbia
Layer Cave
Leasing Las Vegas
Legally bland
Legends of the Mall
Lidl Shop of Horrors
Life of Pasty
Life of pie
Like Actually.
Littlest Millionaire
Lock stock and two smoking burritos
Logan’s Rug
Look Back in Angers
Lord of the files
Lords of the Rims
Lost Bingo in Paris
Lost in Specsavers
Love handles and Pain and the Whole Damn Thing.
M*U*S*H
Malice in Wonderland
Mardy Poppins
Marmite on the Orient Express
Mary poppers
Mary Pops In
Mary shelleys frankunfurter
Mattresses and broom handles
Mellow submarine
Men in Pink
Midnight Cowpat
Midnight cowshed
Midnight Espresso
Midnight Tesco-Express
Minstrel on 34th Street
Mission Impossible Plague Nation
Monday Night Fever
Monsters Ink
Moulin Blanc
Moulin Rug
Mr Doubtfire
Mr Zhivago
Mrs Certainfire
Mrs Doubtfart
Muddle on the Orient Express
Murder on the 6.30 from Charing Cross
Muriel’s Weeding
Murmur on the Orient Express
My Big Fat Greek Yoghurt
My dog
My Shabby Launderette
Night at a Morrisons
Night Train to Monkseaton
Nightgown on Elm Street
Nightmare on Rooks Street
Nine and a half weeds
Not in Hull
Nowtbreak
O Brother, Where Fart Thou?
Oh What A Lovely Wart
Oklahomo!
Once upon a time in Middlesborough
One flew over a robins nest
Cullercoats harbour
One of our Draconians is missing
One shite day
Our Man in Havant
Out of Paprika
Pack Up Your Roubles
Paws
Paws.
Peaches
Petty Woman
Pilates in the Caribbean – Dead Man’s Vest
Pilates of the Caribbean
Pilots of the Caribbean
Pink street
Piss In Boots
Planes, Trains and National Express
Polite Club.
Pontoon
Prescription, Quorn of the Dessert
Pretty Worm
Princess Kong
Pulp fact
Pup Fiction
Raging Ball
Raging Bulldog
Raiders of the lost houses of parliament
Rebel without a Clause
Rebel without a Clue
Reservoir Cats
Reservoir Frogs
Rhyl with a View
Ricky
Rioters at the Gate
Rocky Horror Picture Shoe
Roman Business Trip
Rosemary’s Bauble
Salmon fishing in the sink
Salmon Fishing with a Lemon
Sandal
Saturday Night Fevertree
Saving Private Godfrey
Saving private parts
Saving Ryan’s Privates
Saving Ryan’s Parfait
Scar Trek
Schindler’s lift
Schindlers lift.
Schindler’s shopping list
Scratch 22
Seats on a plane
Sen
Sense and Insensibility
Seven Broads for Seven Brothers
Seven Years in The Wet
Shakespeare in Hove
Shallow throat
Shaun of the poorly
Shaving private Ryan
Shaving private Ryan
Shred
shriek
Shrike
Sickly Ballroom
Sid and the argonauts
Silence of the limbs
Singing in the pain
Sinking in the Rain
Sleeping With The Enema
Slightly cold in Alex
Slow and not really agitated
Slumdog Milliner
Snacks on a Plane
Snakes on a menu
Snow white and a couple of old tin miners
Soft edge implement runner
Some Like a Hut
Some Like It Rotten
Some like it Tepid
Some Like it Tepid
Sound of Muesli.
Souper man
Spar wars
Spider dead.
Stand by somebody else
Star Jumps
Star Trek, The Search for Spam
Star Wardrobes
Star Wards
Star Warts
Star Warts
Star Warts.
Steamboat Wally
Steve Davis’ Diary
Straight Outta Cornwall
Straight Outta Croydon
Submission impossible
Sunday Night, Monday Morning
Supermac
Swan Flew Over the Cuckoos Next
Tarzan of the Japes
Tax advisor
Taxi Drivel
Tents and Tentativity
Tepid Runnings
Tess of the Baskervilles
Texas toothbrush massacre
The 39 Stops
The 40 Year Old Plusnet
The 40 year old vegan
The 400 Plows
The Andromeda Stain
The Bagel Has Landed
The Balls of St Trinian’s
The Batter of Britain
The Beeching Children
The Beige Brothers
The Best Little Warehouse in Texas
The Best Ordinary Marigold Hotel
The Blair Stitch Project
The Blue Fax
The Bradley Bunch (The Movie)
The Bridge on the River Wye
The Bridge over the River Thames (2x)
The Budgies of Madison County
The Cent of a Woman
The clash of the pathetic whimps
The Colon Purple
The Cool Sea
The Covenant
The covid holiday
The Dampbusters
The day of the hamster.
The Day Of The Jackass
The Day the Hearth Stood Still
The dead poets sobriety
The devil wears primark
The Devil’s Advocaat
The Dogfather
The Door Hunter
The Draftsman’s Tax return
The Dull
The Estuary Buoys
The Exercise
The Extortonist
The fantastic 3&1/2
The Fat and the Furious
The Fifth Elephant
The Fifth Sense
The Flea
The Flirty Dozen
The Found World
The French Concoction
The Fresh Lieutenant’s Woman
The Germinator
The Girl on a Push Bike
The Girl with a Wagon Tattoo
The Gizzard of Oz
The Godmother
The good the bad and the very attractive
The good the bald and the ugly
The Good, the Bad, and the Buggy
The Goolies
The Graduate Cylinder
The Grand Budapest Motel
The Grandfather
The Great Potato
The Great St Trinian’s Tray Robbery
The Green Mime
The Greenstamps Redemption
The Gums of Navarone
The Guns of London
The Habit
The Habit: An Unexpected Journey
The Hamshank Redemption
The Harder They Comb
The Hoarse Whisperer (2x)
The Imitation Gammon
The Irritation Game
The Jingle Book (2x)
The Karate Kit
The king and nobody
The King’s Peach
The Lady and The Trump
The Lady Turns Up
The Lady Varnishes (2x)
The Lambshank Redemption
The Land that Tim forgot
The Land that Time Furloughed
The Lidl Mermaid
The Lime of Brian
The Limitation Game (2x)
The little barmaid
The little shop of cuddly things
The living alive
The Longest Dag
The longest Dave
The Longest Way
The Lost Buoys
The Lunchpack of Notre Dame
The Magnificent Severn
The magnificent six and a half
The Malteser Falcon
The man that went up a hill and came down a marshmallow
The Man Who Shot Liberty Balance
The man with the golden pun
The man with the golden thumb
The Mask
The Mediocre 7
The Middling Exotic Marigold Hotel
The Mildness of King George
The moth effect
The Mudguard
The Night Manger
The not quite so transformed
The Oddfather
The old ones
The Parent Tap
The Pelican Boxer-shorts
The Pelican Briefs
The phantom of the gala bingo
The pirates of the houses of parliament
The Pornshop
The Postgraduate
The Postman Never Rings At All
The Princess in the Fog
The Printer’s Bride
The Quiet Manatee
The Railway Chilblain
The Rocky Horror Picture Shop
The Scent of a Worm
The science of the lambs
The Seven Samovars
The Shallows
The Shiting
The Silence of the Spam
The snickers man
The snooze brothers
The Sound of Mucus
The Sound of Muzak
The sound of nothing (2x)
The spy who hated me
The Staycation
The Talentless Mr Ripley
The Texas Chainstore Massacre
The Texas seesaw massacre
The Thin Red Wine
The Toblerone Triangle
The Truman Shoe
The Turd Man
The Twilight Zoom
The umpire strikes back
The unavegened
The usual cesspits
The very dark rider
The Visible Man
The Way to the Stairs
The Wicker Chair
The Wizard of UK
The Wool of Wall Street
The World Is Enough
The Wrench Connection
There Will Be Food
There’s nothing about Mary (2x)
Things to do in Denver when you’re a Druid
Thora and Lewis
Three Billboards Outside Epping Morrisons
Three days of the pigeon
Three ironing-boards outside Ebbing, Missouri
Three Men and a Booby
Tindrella
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spa
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, SPAD
To Kid a Mockingbird
Toy Tory
Trading Plaices
Training Places
Trains, Planes and Shank’s Pony
Treasure Peninsula
True Grits
Try another day
Try Hard
Twelve Irritated Men
Umbrella (Barbarella)
V for Vienetta
Vanilla Pie
Village of the Dimmed
WD40
West Side Store
When Harry met Derek
When Harry met Salty
When Harry Smote Sally
When Sally met Burt
Where Eagles Undertake a Risk Assessment
Whisky No More!
Who Cooked Roger Rabbit?
Who farmed Roger Rabbit?
Who framed Roger Bannister
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wade?
Wife of Pi
Willy Wonka and the Chalk Factory
Wimp Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Wound Bill
Your Anus
Zorba the Geek

Next up, advance warning for fans of the site: Mash up two or more TV programmes to come up with a new pitch. For example, Richard Osman’s Game of Thrones

I’ll post the call for Telly Mash some time on Friday 22nd January, probably late afternoon UK time.

Remediators of the Anthropocene

UPDATE: I’ve sent various iterations of my short stories to a select few friends over the last few weeks. When I’d written Remediators, two of these beta testers (Andrea and Darren) felt that this chapter was actually the prologue to Wave Markers rather than the other way around, which was my intent.

So, with that new logic in mind, I’ve spent a couple of hours working on how that might move better in the opposite direction rather than my trying to make water flow uphill. The story now begins with the fix, we get a twist, and then the future emerges in the latest version here (PDF).

As with all of this writing so far, each component seems to be a standalone short story in itself, but I suspect as it develops and becomes more complex, that will be less and less obvious. At the moment the hybridisation of Wave Markers and Remediators is essentially a 2600-word short story. I’m taking some time, per Darren’s suggestion, to let it simmer gently on the backburner.

Remediators

I fell asleep thinking about a future where we might start withdrawing carbon dioxide from the atmosphere at a sufficient rate that it actually has a serious effect and underdoes some of the problems of decades and decades of burning fossil fuels.

I didn’t sleep well, but in between kept dreaming up bits and pieces of a story about this notion. When I couldn’t get back to sleep, I got up, put the kettle on, and scribbled the story on to a few sides of A4. I’ve just finished typing it up and editing it down.

The story is called Remediators of the Anthropocene. It follows on from the putative prologue – Wave Markers – pulled together from my fenland gothics written at the end of 2020. It’s perhaps Chapter 1 of the book or maybe just another standalone effort…we’ll see.

 

Remediators of the Anthropocene by David Bradley (PDF)

Elouise Sparrowhawk, Dr Sprawk to her students, was proud of her surname. To her imagination, it told of an ancient ancestry, of woodlands and fens, of wildlife and nature, of a time long before now. It told of woodcutters and woodturners of fenland farmers and drovers. It hinted at a long-forgotten time when things were, to put it bluntly, better. Dr Sprawk hankered after those times. Perhaps it was an unrequited nostalgia for events that never happened, places that were not as they seem, and people who never walked this earth.

Whatever the nature of past reality, Elouise knew that in her laboratory there had been an opportunity to remediate the present. Whoever was to blame for the here and now mattered not to those living the nightmare today. It was Arvane, Arvane Tempor, who first spotted the changes. It was a chance discovery, a contaminant in a reaction flask. The serendipity was not lost on the team although no one who lived through the plastic age would ever have dreamt a solution might be found in this chemistry. They could not have imagined that polythene, the scourge of the Anthropocene, would, with a few almost trivial molecular tweaks, become the panacea.

Tempor was almost done with his Master’s and was on the verge of writing-up, but one last experiment was needed just for completeness. He had been fastidious throughout, dotting every “i”, crossing every “t”. His lab-books were meticulous, not for him their digital descendants. He bathed in the ethereal smell the pages absorbed that would take decades to fade. However, this time, it was late. It was a seemingly unimportant experiment. He rushed a little. Contamination happens. Identifying the contaminant and what went wrong, or as it turns out, right, later would only be possible because of Tempor’s more usual diligence.

Molecular modification followed by chemical correction somehow generated a structure so reactive and so porous that it could literally draw breath. That porosity give it the space, or more technically, the surface. Lay it all out flat, Tempor would tell his colleagues, and a single ounce would cover 400 tennis courts. That fact alone was astonishing, four times the area available for absorption of any previous material. But those earlier molecular sponges mopped up useful gases, such as oxygen and hydrogen, for various applications, high-speed reactions, safe storage. This was different. Not so much a useful gas, as a gas of which we could do with a lot less in the air we breathe.

Giving a porous plastic coating to hundreds of tennis courts was not the aim, of course. Once Tempor and Dr Sprawk had figured out the ins and outs of their new material, they were then intent on finding ways to pack it ever tighter into the machine, the remediators.

A lot of raw material was needed to pack the 1000 feet spiral columns that would line Sprawk’s towers. But, there was a lot of it to be had, much of it lying dormant in deep mounds on the outskirts of the old cities. The relative ease with which the plastic could be mined from those countless landfills of the twentieth century made sourcing the feedstock incredibly efficient and ironically enough, almost carbon neutral. Moreover, after all these years in the ground even the plastic bags that would last for centuries had degraded to a suitable form ripe for processing into the green strands for Sparrowhawk’s columns.

The vast woven myriad within the towers would need nothing more than water and sunlight to do their job. The drains below would catch their sickly sweet rain and this could be tapped and trapped, vitrified and buried again. Carbon, locked away for aeons just as its precursors had been in the liquid black gold on which society so wantonly imbibed in those long-lost days.

Thousands of towers were built across the wide tropical belts. They looked out over broken seas from abandoned coastlines. Pharos ruling the waves, Tempor would joke. Location was irrelevant to the swirling atmosphere, but sunlight and water were key ingredients so the polar north and the desert margins were precluded from this work for their lack of one or the other. Exactly how many towers were needed was a moot point, they ran with high efficiency wherever they were built drawing their hot breath deeply. The analysts tapped their devices assuming malfunction, but as the data accumulated, so evidence of remediation sprang from far and wide like so many green shoots showing in a new world spring. The sceptics tapped their thermometers but could not ignore something of a soothing chill in the air.

Ice was crystallising once more at the poles. The fringes of the equatorial deserts moistened subtly. Tiny islands poked algal crowns from beneath the waves and quickly dried, terrestrials arrived to feast on the marine and the wind planted the seeds it couriered from distant dry lands so that shoots would show and plants would bloom digging deep with anything but hesitant roots. Elsewhere, the new fenlands began to dry, the marsh gas to dissipate. Who would have thought, plastic – the ultimate friend of the earth?